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How many times have we begun a relationship, full of hope, only to have it crash and burn, or one party flee?
Many of us have relational injuries from the past. This often manifests as a "fear of intimacy." Beneath
this phrase, lurks not feeling safe in relationships. Our fathers may have had tempers, or our mothers may have been
intrusive. A past partner may have been abusive, or perhaps their neediness or jealousy was a burden. A multitude
of possibilities exist. Whatever the case, we found that relating to another could be costly. We learned to defend
ourselves, to shut down, cover up, disappear, attack, or protect ourselves in some other way. We learned to not be too vulnerable,
to only let the other in so far, or to run if we got scared. We learned to make ourselves safe by controlling the depth of
the relationship in a variety of ways.
Often when we get scared, we react, we become irrational, we move into our
limbic brain and rather than being rational, we respond from fight or flight. Some of us have trauma that is extensive
enough that we move into dissociative states, fragments of ourselves that look like Dr. Jeckle changing into Mr. Hyde.
Irrationality is scary to the other and a major problem in relationships. It can trigger a variety of defensive postures
including early abandonment of a promising relationship. Anger, irrationality, and mood swings directed at the other
almost always create a feeling of not being safe with that person.
Interactions with an intimate other ultimately
trigger our deepest wounds, our attachment needs, feelings of vulnerability, and our need for safety. Anything unhealed
is bound to get touched and come up. These wounds can vary from feeling judged, to not important, abandoned, or even
abused. Regardless, these wounds trigger deep and primal feelings, feelings of desperation, anger, confusion, shame,
etc and can cause us to react.
The real problem emerges however, when we cannot own our wound, but instead blame
the other, or expect them to "take care of it" or not trigger us. Ultimately, we have to learn to tend to
our own wounds, as well as ask the other to be kind and gentle with our fragilities, to be safe for us. Both parties
have to take responsibility for his or her own behavior before we become safe for the other. This requires open and
non-blaming communication.
What are your deepest fears in relationship to others? Are these fears related
to how you were treated in your past? Have you started to take responsibility for them? Do you have a partner who is
willing to stay open and talk to you when you are triggered, when you trigger each other?
A relationship has the
potential to be a cauldron for growth and transformation, or pain, fear or flight. Everything unfinished and triggered in
that particular combination emerges to step into the dance of that relationship. In the process, we get to decide if this
situation is safe enough, or if we want or deserve more. If we are attempting an intimate relationship with somebody
who allows us to feel nourished and safe enough, we can stay and do the work and play of learning to love and grow in the
matrix of connection with another.
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